A Week of Saeyoung: Crack Edition
by AgentShade199
Summary: Crack fics inspired by Saeyoung Week on Tumblr (July 9th-16th, 2018) with a different prompt on each day.


**Author's Note** : While Saeyoung Week has its own Tumblr, I had surgery during the week of the event, and was too out of commission to finish all seven fics, or send them the fics I finished. Because of this, none of these are on their Tumblr. But since I started this project before I got surgery and have enjoyed writing these, I decided to finish the rest of the prompts independent of that event.

* * *

It was a beautiful Saturday morning.

That is, it was according Saeyoung's standards, primarily because of the nightmare he had just woke up from.

It had started off as a headless zombie apocalypse. The zombies had started off with heads, but during the human-to-zombie transition, their brain becomes smaller in size, while other features, such as their irises and eardrums, don't. Because their new brain is disproportionate to the size of their irises and eardrums, their heads tear themselves off and decompose into rainbow cupcake scented powder. Poor animals would mistake this powder for food, and it gave them harpasnarklezepotitis, an obscure type of food poisoning, instead.

No animal who contracted it survived; after their death, their carcasses made their air stench of numerous alcoholic drinks, including 1985 vodka from Belgium or Bulgaria or somewhere. This kind of vodka happens to be Saeyoung's mother's favorite drink in all of the Andromeda galaxy. Because of this, even the slightest whiff of it reminded him of her. In the end, he found himself sitting in the corner of his room, crying hysterically as he thought about his heathen mother, not a care in the world about the zombies terrorizing civilians just outside his house.

So, as you can see, he was pretty happy to wake up to a lack of headless zombies outside his window or vodka smell. Unfortunately, he knew the lack of the latter wouldn't remain for long. In order to avoid having the same traumatic experience merely hours apart, he needed to get out of the house.

Saeyoung looked at Saeran. He was still sleeping in his bed across the room, the same bed that his mom found off the side of the road crawling with fire ants and lethal scorpions some years ago. On the bed was a blanket his mother stole from a naked baby in the park (while sober) not long after. Then there were two pillows, where she got from. . .

Actually, I was paid ₩1,000,000,000 in tax returns not to disclose where she got those pillows from. So I'm not going there. Back to the story.

Saeyoung pondered for a moment whether he should wake up Saeran. His mom usually didn't leave the house on Saturdays, so frankly it didn't make that much of a difference when he woke. Regardless of the time, their mother was bound to egg their bedroom walls instead of make them breakfast, and then eat buttered popcorn mixed with sangria while she watched them clean it.

That was when Saeyoung had a sudden, yet profound, Great Awakening™.

Today didn't have to be that way. If he simply found a way to get his mother out of the house, him and Saeran could not only get some decent sleep knowing they avoided their room being egged, but avoid the stench of vodka. It can't get much better than that!

Saeyoung sat up as he pondered how to get his mother Far Far from the Fatherland. It was a risky idea, and if it failed, he didn't want to imagine the consequences. But it was for a good cause, arguably the best cause: for himself, his brother, and ultimately, for Narnia.

Saeyoung got dressed, then opened the window as quiet as he could. He climbed over it, his preadolescent height making him slip off the edge and tumble on the ground. His head barely managing to avoid hitting a tree trunk hard enough to put him in a concussion, he smirked as he stood and regained his balance. He took a deep breath, loosened his shoulders, and watched a stampede of winged buffalos storm down a distant highway before attempting his plan.

Saeyoung started with making the sounds of a tortured cat. The scratchy meows made his throat spilt in agony, but they were so loud, his eardrums wanted to shrivel to a size proportionate to a zombie's brain.

After far too long of that, he than ran across the yard and made sounds of a large, angry doggo. His growls sounded more thicc than an evangelical fundamentalist's skull, so they sounded truly murderous, wanting to kill a poor kitty cat completely made from Saeyoung's imagination.

To end this very treacherous sounding scene, even surprising himself, he made noises similar to bones being broken, ligaments bring torn, and veins falling out of one's body and flopping on the ground.

As for why he sounded out such a scene, he was hoping to fake murders of a cute kitty cat and doggo to convince his mother than one of the winged buffalos had gone rabid, barged into their yard, and happened to kill the nearest doggo and cute kitty cat. His mother was typically too drunk to care about the welfare of animals, but knowing her, she'd call RCSSLA (Rabid Control Society for Somewhat Legal Animals), worried about the flying buffalo being rabid enough to break into her house and devour her alcohol. So, unless his sounds weren't as realistic as he thought they were, this plan was pretty solid.

Saeyoung quickly climbed back into his room. Upon his entry, he saw that Saeran had awoken. The ear-scalding meows had jerked him awake, and he sat frozen in his bed as he heard the rest. The way he gazed at Saeyoung looked half like anyone with a heart who has watched Marley and Me, half like a koala with a unibrow.

Saeyoung's poor little redhead heart nearly broke at the sight. Before Saeran could ask, he immediately explained the situation. By the time he finished, Saeran had mostly relaxed and looked more like a puzzled koala who didn't even know what Marley and Me was.

"So you made all those sounds. . .so we can go outside?"

"That's right! She should be calling RCSSLA any minute now, and will be too busy dealing with them to notice we're gone!"

"I think she called them already," Saeran said. "As soon as you stopped, I heard her pick up the phone and scream that a she heard a rabid buffalo murder a kitty and puppy outside and that it might break into our house or something."

Saeyoung gasped. "Oooooh! My plan worked! That's exactly what I was trying to get her to think! Now get dressed so we can leave before RCSSLA members arrive and notice us!"

Saeran couldn't remember the last time he got dressed so fast in his life. Then Saeyoung re-exited the window and helped Saeran climb over, gently setting him on the ground.

"So. . . where do you want to go?" Saeyoung asked.

Saeran put his hand on his chin. After a moment of thinking, he made an excited gasp. "I wanna get ice cream!"

Saeyoung chuckled. "You sure love your ice cream, Saeran!"

The Choi Bois skipped away from their house in the direction of the ice cream shop. They were too excited to pay much attention to their surroundings; however, on the side of the road, there was something that looked so peculiar, it stopped Saeyoung on his tracks.

Saeran took another few steps before realizing that Saeyoung had stopped. "Saeyoung? Are you okay?"

"Yeah." Saeyoung pointed to the peculiar object. "I just noticed something weird over there. . ."

Saeran reverted his gaze to where his brother was pointing. Nearby was a teapot, but even at first glance, it didn't look like an ordinary teapot. It was the color of bronze after having rolled around in a factory farm, with a pattern of phoenix heads patterned all over it. It looked older than Betty White and Queen Elizabeth II combined, yet didn't have a single spiderweb or speck of dirt on it. If one listened closely, they could hear a soft hisssssmybackhasanallergyrashhhh whispering from it.

"That does look really weird. . .should we check it out?" Saeran asked.

"Let's get our ice cream first and check it out on our way back."

So that's what they did. Saeran was beaming when they entered the ice cream shop, almost drooling when reading the flavor names. Saeyoung was skimming over the flavors when he noticed a new addition: toppings. His eyes began to skim over those, but stopped dead on their tracts upon a particular topping.

Rainbow powder.

Saeyoung didn't think his expression changed to one witnessing a zombie apocalypse upon noticing it. But apparently it did, because the server noticed and questioned it.

"Is everything alright, young man?"

"Uh. . ." Saeyoung slowly looked up. "It's just. . .um. . ."

Part of Saeyoung was tempted to mentioned what rainbow powder was in his recent dream. But he knew all it would do was make him look like a Saeyoungfool. A Saeyoungfool is someone who's a fool, but (usually) not as severely as an average fool, and only in a way a Saeyoung can be a fool. So instead, he came up with another (what he assumed was probably not true) excuse.

"I read something in a science book about rainbow powder. It's, um, dangerous to animals. It gives them lethal food poisoning, and none who get it every survive."

The server's jaw dropped. Saeyoung panicked, worried he had sounded like a Saeyoungfool anyway, and was prepared to backpedal to his dream. But then the server spoke.

"Dude. You're literally the first person to notice."

Saeyoung blinked once. Twice. Three times. "Huh?"

"It's true. Rainbow powder is the leading cause of harpasnarklezepotitis, but only in animals. It's no harm to humans. Our store uses it because its cheaper than rainbow sprinkles, and no one noticed the difference anyway. Except for you."

Saeyoung was so stunned by this revelation, he was at a loss for words. However, Saeran was looking at his brother with astonishment and adoration.

"You know about a rare powder and disease? You're so smart, Saeyoung!" He grabbed his brother in a side hug, nuzzling his arm. Saeyoung felt a wave of sheepishness wash over himself.

The server smiled. "Well, I have even better news for you two. My manager told me on my first day that if anyone noticed that our rainbow sprinkles are actually powder, the customer and everyone in his party get ice cream for free."

"Really?" Saeyoung smiled. "That's awesome, because I forgot to add a part where I snagged some money before I got here!"

The Choi Bois each got two flavors. Saeran got strawberry and cookies & cream. Saeyoung got pistachio and banana monkey nut with spaghetti sauce flavoring, but with actual monkey instead of nuts. They left the shop being happy Choi Bois, thinking for once their lives that nothing could ruin their mood that day. They had even forgot about that peculiar teapot on the side of the road, until they passed by it again. This time, Saeran stopped first.

"Um, do you still want to check out that teapot?" Saeran asked.

"For sure. It looks so strange, I couldn't ignore it if I tried."

Saeyoung approached the teapot, Saeran following closely behind. The soft whispers it made became louder as they came closer. Both stopped when they were mere inches in front of it.

Saeyoung looked over at his brother. "Er. . .wanna touch it?"

Saeran nodded vigorously. "It looks creepy up close. You do it."

"Alright, little brother."

Saeyoung slowly reached his hand out until the tips of his fingers touched the top. Suddenly, the whispers stopped. Saeyoung's instincts told him to lift his fingers off. And it was a damn good thing he did, because seconds later, the top of the teapot flung itself off before it rolled itself on its side. Then a thick, blue mist came pouring out of the top.

Within seconds, the mist metamorphisized into a body. The body had floofy, curled blue hair, fake lashes, make up all over her face, a black dress with golden fur on the edges, and black heels. She had henna tattoos here and there, acrylic nails that make lesbians run for the hills, natural black devil horns, a blue cat-like tail, and was undoubtably a drag queen.

Once the body was fully formed and the mist had dissipated, the three of them stood in silence. Then the drag queen spoke.

"I have been summoned?" Not only was her voice astoundingly androgynous, but had a think Romanian accent.

The Choi Bois exchanged glances. Neither of them had the first idea of what to do or say regarding this situation.

"What's with those looks, boys?" the drag queen asked. "One of you touched my pot, didn't you?"

"Yeah. . ." Saeyoung reply came out strained and high-pitched. "I did."

The drag queen took a step closer to them, her curls bouncing as she moved. "Surely you touched my pot because you have a wish, is that right?"

"No, I didn't. I-we just passed by that pot, and thought it looked. . .unique, so I decided to touch it."

"Oh. So you aren't aware of my wish-granting services. Well, I'd be rude not to introduce myself! My name is Hesuela Herpotarnita, and I'm a self-employed genie."

Saeran rose an eyebrow. "Hesela Herpowhat?"

"It's Hesuela, dear. I know it's difficult, so you can use Suela for short. Anyway, that teapot is unique, because it's mine. I have teapots around the world lying around, waiting for people to touch so I can grant wishes to them. It's a business like no other, and I treasure it deeply."

"Oh." Saeyoung found himself skeptical of Hesuela's claims. But because she was being nice (a rare experience for the poor Choi Bois) and he was still recovering from shock, he decided to go along with it.

"So, Suela, you just go around granting wishes for free?"

Hesuela made a small chuckle. "Oh, dear, nothing in life is free, no matter how you go about it. But don't worry, I take many forms of payments."

"What kinds of payments?" Saeran asked, his voice soft and shy.

"Payments like food, jewels, money of all currencies, fur jackets, government conspiracies, overpriced diabetes medication, the bodies of my enemies. You name it, I take it."

"Oh. That's. . .interesting." Saeyoung brainstormed ideas of reasonable things he could give Hesuela, but nothing too valuable, so in case she was a fake and his mother found the item missing, she wouldn't make him clean the toilet with his tongue. He soon came up with an idea, but then Saeran beat him to announcing it.

"Would you take 1985 vodka from Belgium? Our mom has some in our house."

Saeyoung looked at Saeran. "Belgium? The vodka is from Bulgaria, remember?"

"Oh, I thought it was Belgium. She didn't say Belgium?"

"Belgium, Bulgaria, no matter," Hesuela said. "Vodka from any country is a treat. I'll take it."

Saeran smiled. "Really? Thank you! But we don't have it with us. . ."

"Don't worry, dear. Just tell me your wish now, and you get the vodka while I make preparations."

Saeyoung rose an eyebrow. "Preparations. . .?"

"Why, yes, granting wishes can be quite a fuss. I don't just tap a magic wand and make it all happen. I have to do some redefining of reality first."

"Um. . .okay then." Neither Choi Boi quite understood what she said, but they decided not to question it. They glanced at each other, knowing they shared the same wish. They looked back at Hesuela, and Saeyoung spoke once more.

"We have our wish."

"Oh? Let's hear it."

"We wish. . .that our alcoholic, abusive, good-for-nothing mother is arrested. We want to never see her again so we can live in peace and I can protect my brother."

Hesuela blinked once. Twice. Three times. Then a drop of sweat slid off the side of her face, regardless of the cloudy weather.

"Oh, um. . .well. Dears." She sighed. "I'm afraid. . .I can't grant that wish."

Both Choi Boi's eyes narrowed. "What?" They spoke in unison.

"I. . .didn't think you'd make a wish like that. I assumed you would ask for a bunch of money or toys or something, and I could get counterfeit money or go to a nearby toy store while you got the vodka."

Saeran's jaw dropped. His expression was now purely of one with a heart that had just watched Marely and Me.

Saeyoung was too disgusted to be upset. "So you are a fake!"

"Uh. . .well. . .that's. . ." She made a nervous giggle. She then glanced at her wrist, where there so happened to be a watch I didn't mention in her description. "Oh, well, look at the time! I just remembered a really important errand to run in Slovakia! If I don't run now I'll be late! Toodles!"

Hesuela's body metamorphized back into blue mist, then quickly dove back into the teapot. The top flung itself back on before mini rocket engines emerged from the bottom. The teapot traveled upwards as gas came out of the engines. It went up a several dozen feet into the air, pointed itself west, and then blasted off like a car in a police chase.

When it was out of sight, the Choi Bois stood there for what felt like hours. To every reader's surprise, it was Saeran who broke the silence.

"Saeyoung?"

"Yes?"

"I know you were serious when you wished for Mom to be arrested. But. . .did you really mean it when you said you'd protect me?"

Saeyoung smiled. "Of course I meant it. I love you, Saeran. Everything I do, everything I aspire to be, is to protect you. I dream for more days like this, where we have adventures like meeting a fake genie, where I get to be with you, happy with you."

All of Saeran's sad tears from before vaporized into the void. They were immediately replaced with happy tears as he grabbed Saeyoung into a tight bearhug. Saeyoung almost choked, but hugged him back anyway, just as tight.

When the Choi Bois returned home, some RCSSLA crew members were just leaving their house. Their mother tried to explain the sounds she had heard that morning. However, seeing no evidence of a murdered doggo, cute kitty cat, or rabid flying buffalo, they assumed she had imagined it in her drunken state and took no further measures.

The Choi Bois reentered their house through their window, just in time before their mom came in. She praised them for not leaving their rooms and begging the crew to take them to CPS, telling them how "they were so quiet, she finally liked herself".

To their relief, she left them alone for the rest of the day. Saeyoung had successfully missed any whiff of vodka; from Belgium or Bulgaria, he had no idea. But in the end, he went to bed that night with his heart full of love. Never could he express his gratitude for having the opportunity to have such a wild day, with his brother at his side.


End file.
